The Drama legion
by Reallion
Summary: Commander Erwin is a mysterious man. Blond and handsome with eyebrows full of secrets. One of his many secret is that he has always wanted to be a playwright. It was only a matter of time when this urge finally bursts and he makes his newest recruits part of his one and only masterpiece. WARNING: Manga spoilers and implied pairings.
1. Chapter 1

Erwin has always wanted to write a drama and Levi has always wanted to be a drama quee- I mean, a drama star. Don't deny it, Levi. We all know it's the truth, you can't fool us, your forever faithful and perverted fangirls.

But back to the story.

One day it just had to happen.

Erwin called for a crucial meeting. He had an idea about a heart-breaking story of an unnamed angry German boy, to whom life had prepared many obstacles like dead mother, titans and mentally challenged overly attached stepsister aka girlfriend. It was a story full of tears, pain, gore, sex, blood, bondage, ridiculously handsome commanders, tiny corporals, gay cadets, potatoe freaks, short blonde girls, sweaty princes, freckles and forever alone horses.

It was beautiful.

But the biggest problem was how is he going to divide the roles? Who would be the best for playing an angry German boy? It was a crucial role after all. He had to find somebody who is… well, angry and German all the time.

This is where our real story begins:

Erwin: I welcome you all to our little drama session.

Levi: *stares sexily*

Sasha: Where are all the sandwiches? I was promised sandwiches!

Erwin: This is a serious matter, cadet Sasha, who told about the food?

Connie: *proudly points at himself*It was my genius plan!

Levi: *still stares sexily*

Erwin: *sighs* Sasha, I am sorry, but I actually need you here, I might give you one of the main roles.

Sasha: But I am going to starve to death! How can I play when I am dead?

Erwin: Sasha, I can assure you that nobody had ever died from being one hour without food.

Jean: Just give me and Mikasa the two main roles so we can all go for a dinner, commander.

Levi: *still stares sexily… at Eren*

Eren: *senpai is watching me! Be cool, Eren! Be cool!*

Eren: *trips over the table, chair, wardrobe, every single piece of furniture in the room before nearly falling out of the window*

Mikasa: *saves Eren*

Jean: *is jealous*

Erwin: Ah, actually, I would like to test Levi, cadet Fubar and cadet Renz as possible angry German boys.

Ymir: Christa will not play as some filthy boy! *holds her closer, preventing her from volunteering for the role herself*

Erwin: …

Erwin: *looks closely at Christa*

Erwin: *looks at Armin on his left*

Erwin: *leans to Armin* *whispers* What was your name, _boy_.

Armin: *whispers back* A-Armin Arlert, sir!

Erwin: *still whispers* Armin Arlert, are you sure your name is not Christa Renz?

Armin: *whispers back again* Q-quite sure, sir.

Erwin: *coughs and straightens up* Point taken, cadet Ymir. *crosses Christas name*

Erwin: So please, cadet Fubar, give me your best impression of angry German boy.

Bertholdt: *weeps*

Bertholdt: I… ugh…

Bertholdt: *stands up while blushing and sweating hard*

Bertholdt: *nervously rises his fist*

Bertholdt: um… Let's kill…. All the titans..?

Erwin: …

Everyone: …

King: …

Titans: …

Wall Maria: I gave my virginity to this.

Reiner: *jumps onto his feet while aggressively clapping* BRAVO! BERTLBEAR YOU ARE SO DAMN TALENTED OMG OMG OMG *fangirlboy squee* THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU, NO HOMO THO, BRO, BUT I WANT TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF RIGHT NOW AND- ***THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE TO HIGH LEVEL OF RADIOACTIVITY, RAINBOWS, UNICORNS AND IMPLIED HOT GAY SEX ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER AT REINER BRAUNS HOME AT 2:00 AM GMT. THE EVENT IS OPEN FOR PUBLIC, OUR STAFF WILL BE SELLING BATTERIES FOR YOUR VIDEO CAMERAS AND COLD BEVERAGE.**

…

**ALSO WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCES AND STUFF***

Levi: *still stares sexily*

Erwin: *writes into his script*

Erwin: *mumbling* gay cadet no 01-69: Reiner Braun.

Erwin: *mumbling* notes: gay as two male unicorns riding each other into the sunset while vomiting rainbows.

Erwin: *mumbling* I can't wait for the bondage scene…

Erwin: *coughs* Ok! One role down.

Erwin: Cadet Braun, you may sit down, thank you.

Bertholdt: B-but.. i-it was me who…

Erwin: Sit. Down.

Bertholdt: *sits down*

Reiner: *casually sits on Bertholdts lap*

Erwin: Levi, it's your turn.

Levi: *stands up while looking sexily at Eren*

Levi: *breathes in*

Everybody: *hold their breaths in unbearable anticipation*

Levi: *opens his mouth*

Eren: TIIIIIIIIITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS! *jumps out of the window furiously raging and slashing the air with a pencil in his hand*

Mikasa: Eren! *jumps after Eren*

Jean: Mika- *is interrupted by Armins screaming*

Armin: Mikasa! *runs past Jean after Mikasa*

Jean: ...

Annie: Armin! *runs past Jean after Armin*

Bertholdt: Annie! *runs past Jean after Annie*

Reiner: Bertholdt! *runs past Jean after Bertholdt*

Connie: Reiner! *runs past Jean after Reiner*

Sasha: Connie! *runs past Jean after Connie*

Christa: Sasha! *runs past Jean after Sasha*

Ymir: Ma Bae! *runs past Jean after her Bae*

Marco + Jean + Erwin + Levi: *left in the room alone*

Jean: *turns to Marco*

Jean: *his eyes brighten up* Oh, Marco, you actually staye-

Marco: Guys! *runs past Jean after everyone else*

Jean: … fuck you.

Erwin: Where is everyone going? I need to finish this! I got only one role!

Levi: The titans are invading the city, Erwin.

Erwin: Your argument is irrelevant, Levi. I am the commander and I demand my actors.

Erwin: Stupid titans. Who do they think they are?

Jean: *complaining about his life* Everyone. Just go fuck yourself. I don't need nobody in my life.

Jean: I don't need no love. I am totally happy being left alone.

Erwin: *continues with complaining about his own life* All of those titans. They are so not invited to my birthday party. And all those cadets too. Running off like this.

Levi: They are currently out there getting eaten by titans to save the whole mankind.

Jean: I DON'T NEED THEM AT ALL. I AM STRONG INDEPENDENT and needless to say incredibly handsome JEAN KIRSCHTEIN WHO DON'T NEED NO MARCO BODT OR MIKASA ACKERMAN.

Erwin: *looks at Jean*

Erwin: *writes something into his papers*

Erwin: Two roles. *smiles a satisfying smile*

Levi: Which role did you fill in?

Erwin: cadet Kirschtein as forever alone horse.

Jean: …

Jean: …

Jean: … commander, may I have the permission to speak freely.

Erwin: Permission granted, my new star.

Jean: Fuck you, sir.


	2. Chapter 2

**Erwin:** I welcome you to our second drama session, cadets and Levi.

**Erwin:** First of all I am truly sorry cadet Bodt couldn't make it.

**Erwin:** He will be missed.

**Erwin:** Until our next session.

**Levi:** Erwin, he is only visiting his parents, stop talking like if he had been half eaten by some titan while protecting this son of a horse.

**Connie:** Son of a horse! *starts laughing hysterically*

**Mikasa:** I like horses.

**Jean:** *eyes sparkling*

**Mikasa:** They are strong, elegant and majestic creatures.

**Jean:** *is about to say something*

**Mikasa:** Unlike Jean over here.

**Jean:** *moves into far away corner in great depression*

**Erwin:** Where is cadet Braus?

**Connie:** She was hungry, sir! She stopped to eat, sir! She ate too much and no she is unable to move, sir!

**Erwin:** And cadet Fubar and cadet Braun?

**Eren:** Reiner only said „Oh, boy, look at the clock! It's 2:00 AM GMT!", commander. Not sure, what does that mean.

**Annie:** ... *stands up*

**Annie:** I am sorry, sir, I have an urgent appointment I have to attend to. *leaves the room before anyone can ask*

**Mikasa:** *mumbles* Nobody will miss you, bitch.

**Jean:** Oh, Mikasa, you are so badass I-

**Mikasa:** *turns to face Jean*

**Jean:** Yo-o-o... h-h-ha-ha-r b-b-ee p-p-rettiful.

**Jean:** *fuck. I fucked up. Prettiful. Seriously. I seriously said that.*

**Jean:** *I am going to feed myself to titans*

**Mikasa:** Move, Kirschtein, I can't see Eren.

**Erwin:** Cadets, please. This is a serious matter.

**Erwin:** I have decided cadet Jean will play as Forever Alone Horse...

**Connie:** *laughs hysterically again*

**Jean:** Shut the fuck up, Springer! I will hit you!

**Connie:** *trying to speak while laughing* You only want to hit me, because nobody wants to hit _ON_ you! *bursts into an uncontrollable laughter one more time*

**Jean:** DAMNIT, CONNIE, I SWEAR-

**Erwin:** Cadets!

**Levi:** Erwin, if I may. *places hand on Erwins shoulder*

**Erwin:** *nods*

**Levi:** *voice drops an octave*

**Levi:** Listen up you little shits.

**Everyone:** *freezes*

**Levi:** Maybe you all think this is some kind of a damn game.

**Everyone:** ...

**Levi:** *nonchalantly sips from Erwins teacup with „COMMANDER HANDSOME" on it*

**Erwin:** ... but?

**Levi:** That's all.

**Levi:** *takes a marker and crosses the „SOME" while smirking in his mind*

**Everyone:** ...

**Erwin:** ... Levi? *looks at his COMMANDER HANDSOME cup*

**Levi:** Yes, Erwin?

**Erwin:** My gaydar is tingling, please make haste to the Military Police headquarters.

**Ymir:** Sorry, it's gotta be me I'll try to turn my gay off.

**Levi:** I trust your decision, Erwin, but I have to agree with cadet Ymir.

**Levi:** And isn't like everyone gay in the Military Police?

**Erwin:** That's the spirit, now go.

**Levi:** But Erwin-

**Erwin:** Go.

**Levi:** *leaves the room*

**Erwin:** Finally, my rising stars, some time to concentrate on work.

**Someone:** *knocks on the door*

**Erwin:** … is this some kind of conspiracy?

**Erwin:** Because I am the conspirator and I don't appreciate being conspirated! *makes up words*

**Erwin:** I am the one who should conspire everyone.

**Erwin:** *sighs* … you may come in.

***a great beam of light fills the room blinding everyone for a second***

**Ymir:** Such a holy light!

**Connie:** Who could that be?

**Christa:** What kind of godly creature?

**Ymir:** It burns!

**Ymir:** Christa, I am in pain!

**Ymir:** I think some lesbian action would help a lot. *suggestive eyebrow rise*

**Christa**: But Ymir, you promised you would try to act straight.

**Ymir**: Damnit!

**Eren:** TITAAAAAAAAAAAN! *jumps off his seat with a comb in his hand*

**Marco:** *enters* Sir! *salutes* Everyone. *smiles*

**Eren:** *stops*

**Marco:** Why do you look at me like you want to brutally murder me while yelling angry in German, Eren?

**Eren:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TITAN, MARCO. YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME.

**Marco:** But titans do not knock.

**Eren:** YOU SURE KNOW A LOT ABOUT TITANS, MARCO.

**Marco:** What are you..?

**Eren:** I HAVE MY EYES ON YOU, MR. MAYBEATITAN. YOU CAN'T HIDE BEHIND YOUR FRECKLES FOREVER.

**Marco:** Eren, please-

**Erwin:** Welcome, cadet Bodt, how are your parents? Don't tell me, I don't care, just sit down and shut up.

**Erwin:** Since I still can't decide the main role, we'll get some of the less important ones done instead.

**Erwin**: Like Freckles.

**Jean:** But sir, freckles _are _important!

**Erwin:** Don't tell me how to live my life, cadet Horse.

**Erwin:** I mean, cadet Kirschtein. *was totally a mistake*

**Jean**: But sir, just look at him! *stands behind Marco*

**Jean:** He is like Jesus.

**Jean:** but with freckles!

**Jean:** He is freckled Jesus!

**Jean:** Can't you see, commander?

**Jean:** He died for your sins, commander, and you are just being ungrateful.

**Marco:** But Jean, I am still aliv-

**Erwin:** I don't want any freckled Jesuses in my drama.

**Jean:** But commander, think about the possibilities!

**Jean:** Marco could die for all our sins! It would be so inspirational!

**Erwin:** Why would you kill somebody as sweet as cadet Bodt.

**Erwin:** That would be just stupid.

**Erwin:** What kind of person would do that.

**Erwin:** You may not speak for the rest of the session, cadet Kirschtein.

**Jean:** *devastated moves to his emo corner again*

**Erwin:** Now back to-

**Someone:** *knocks on the door*

**Erwin:** Why.

**Erwin:** You may_ NOT_ enter.

**Levi:** *enters* Erwin, stop being whiny little bitch and listen up, we are deep in shit.

**Everyone minus Connie:** *gasps*

**Connie:** How deep?

**Levi:** nose-deep.

**Connie:** Like how deep is that? Nose-deep like you, sir, nose-deep or Bertholdt nose-deep.

**Levi:** Titan-nose-deep.

**Connie:** Like which titan? Like 3-meters-class-titan-nose-deep or 15-meters-class-titan-nose-deep?

**Levi:** Colossal-titan-nose-deep in shit.

**Connie:** *gasps*

**Erwin:** What happened?

**Levi:** Nile is doing his own play.

**Erwin:** WHAT?!


	3. Chapter 3

**Erwin:** That copycat!

**Erwin:** How dares he?!

**Erwin:** This was all MY idea!

**Jean:** What are we gonna do? I mean, we can't let the Military police to get away with that, can we?

**Erwin:** Cadet Kirschtein, why are you speaking?

**Erwin:** Horses do not speak.

**Erwin:** So shut the fuck up, cadet.

**Connie:** That was very NEIGHcessary.

**Jean:** *rolls up his sleeves and starts marching towards Connie*

**Erwin:** Cadet Kirschtein, move to your corner of shame. Now.

**Jean:** *swears a bloody revenge*

**Erwin:** Forget about everything I've said about roles being serious matter.

**Erwin:** This is our priority now.

**Erwin:** We have to fuck Nile up somehow.

**Erwin:** And I think I have just the right ide-

**Levi:** No Erwin, gluing a horn to his horse is old.

**Erwin:** But he looked like he was riding a freaking unicorn, Levi!

**Erwin:** UNICORN.

**Erwin:** U.N.I.C.O-

**Armin:** I think I have a plan.

**Armin:** We don't have to sabotage them. It's not like we've got a license to it.

**Armin:** Everybody can do their own play whenever they want.

**Armin:** We just have to do a better job. It's that simple.

**Everyone:** ...

**Erwin:** …Cadet Arlert, if you may...

**Erwin:** Keep cadet Kirschtein company in his corner of great shame, okay?

**Armin:** Actually, Marco already joined him so-

**Erwin:** He needs a lot more company, cadet Springer can join as well.

**Connie:** I did nothing!

**Erwin:** Exactly.

**Armin:** *goes past Erwin*

**Erwin:** ...wait.

**Erwin:** *stands up and leans to Armin*

**Erwin:** Is that a...

**Erwin:** freckle on your face?!

**Armin:** Wha-

**Erwin:** I have decided, cadet Arlert is going to be Freckles.

**Ymir:** What. Even I have way more freckles than him.

**Ymir:** Not to mention our freckled Jesus over there.

**Jean:** Don't you dare to badmouth Marco, you freckled Satan!

**Mikasa:** It was only some dirt, commander *wipes Armins whole face*

**Levi:** Did you not take a shower last hour, cadet? *throws a bucket full of water on him and starts rubbing him with a mop while standing as far away as he can*

**Levi:** I will not stay in one room with someone as filthy as him.

**Levi:** Heichou out. *puts on swag-glasses*

**Erwin:** Levi, please, wait! *takes Levis sunglasses* You are the only one sane in this room.

**Erwin:** Please don't leave me. I can change, Levi. I CAN CHANGE!

**Erwin:** … and cadet Ackerman is going to walk cadet Arlert to the showers and washes him. I want him clear and pure as a little Arlert baby. This responsibility lies on your shoulders, cadet Ackerman.

**Erwin:** But I must warn you. 30% of you won't return.

**Armin:** 30% of me and Mikasa?

**Armin:** Does that mean I can lose my arm? Or both?

**Armin:** Will I have to call myself Legin?

**Mikasa:** Sounds legit, Legin.

**Erwin:** Sacrifices must be taken. We all know that. *salutes*

**Everyone:** *salutes*

**Mikasa:** *salutes*

**Levi:** Wait, Ackerman. Take this, you'll need it. *gives Mikasa a scourer*

**Mikasa:** Thank you, heichou. *takes it while staring deeply into his eyes*

**Levi:** Good luck. *salutes*

**Mikasa:** *nods and salutes*

**Armin:** *sobs*… I don't… want to be Legin… *is leaving with Mikasa*

**Mikasa:** Relax, maybe you'll lose a leg or two.

**Armin:** Very comforting, Mikasa. *door closes*

**Erwin:** Cadet Kirschtein, what are you doing?

**Erwin:** Horses do not salute.

**Jean:** Now you are just being ridiculous, commander!

**Jean:** Of course horses salute!

**Erwin:** I do not argue with horses, if they disobey, I shoot them in the genitals.

**Jean:** *covers his private areas with both hands and turn again to his corner of shame*

**Jean:** *I want to go into showers with Mikasa too*

**Jean:** *that lucky bastard Legin*

**Connie:** Please, commander, I have a question.

**Erwin:** Speak up, cadet.

**Connie:** When Armin comes back can we all just casually call him Armout? Please, commander? Can we?

**Erwin:** And this is the reason why I sent you to the corner of shame, cadet Springer.

**Erwin:** Hell yes, we gonna do it!

**Erwin:** Cadet Arlert is hereby proclaimed cadet Armout.

**Connie:** You are the best commander!

**Erwin:** Of course I am. Now, go back to your corner of shame where you belong, you little shit.

**Connie:** Gladly, sir!

**Erwin: ***mumbles* fuckin' masochistic kids and shit… *coughs* Now, where were we?

**Erwin:** Ah yes, we need to fuck Nile in the butt really hard.

**Erwin:** *sudden realization* That might just work actually.

**Erwin:** Levi, would you-

**Levi:** No.

**Erwin:** I am the strategist here.

**Erwin:** But I can't do a single shit if you little bitches ain't prepared to make sacrifices.

**Erwin:** I can't do all the work by myself you see.

**Levi:** Don't worry, Erwin. I got a plan.

**Levi:** Let's just give Nile the main role.

**Erwin:** WHAT?!

**Levi:** It's going to work, Erwin. He won't turn you down, you'll see.

**Erwin:** And what next?

**Levi:** Just give that little shit false info about the place and time of playing. And some false script too.

**Erwin:** …

**Erwin:** Nile as the main character.

**Erwin:** NILE AS THE MAIN CHARACTER.

**Erwin:** OF MY PLAY.

**Erwin:** *sounds of a dying whale*

**Levi:** Are you feeling alright, Erwin?

**Erwin:** Can't we just kill him?

**Levi:** No.

**Levi:** Maybe you hadn't already realized…

**Levi:** … but killing people is actually illegal.

**Erwin:** …

**Erwin:** … oh.

**Erwin:** And sending them on a suicide mission with no possible way to survive?

**Levi:** Illegal as well.

**Erwin:** … oh.

**Erwin:** *stands up and walks to Eren*

**Erwin:** Eren, give me your arm.

**Eren:** THAT'S NOT HOW YOU PROPOSE, SIR.

**Erwin:** I've lost my bitchslapper.

**Erwin:** I can't slap bitches now.

**Erwin:** I need your bitchslapper.

**Eren:** BUT SIR I NEED IT TO SLAP TITANS!

**Erwin:** It will grow back, you are fine! Levi, give me your sword!

**Levi:** *unzips his pants*

**Erwin:** Not_ THAT_ sword! That sword! *points at his 3DMGear*

**Levi:** You need to be more specific next time.

**Someone:** *knocks on the door*

**Eren:** TIIIIIITTTTT-! *furiously sprinting towards door holding a chair above his head*

**Mikasa:** *opens the door*

**Eren:** -KAAASAAAAA!

**Jean:** Did you just call her Titkasa?

**Mikasa:** Hello, Eren. You have all of your limbs. I left you for like 5 seconds and you didn't lose any of them. And you brought me a chair to sit on. I am so proud, Eren. *hugs him*

**Jean:** He just called her Titkasa and tried to stab her with a freaking chair and she hugged him.

**Jean:** I would be dead if I called her Titkasa.

**Jean:** World is a cruel place.

**Jean:** But beautiful in the same time.

**Erwin:** Shut the fuck up, cadet Kirchstein, nobody wants to listen to your whining.

**Erwin:** Eren, give me your bitchslapper. That is an order.

**Levi:** Erwin, you do realize you still have your left hand?

**Erwin**: … *looks at his left hand*

**Erwin:** … oh.

**Erwin:** *slaps himself*

**Levi:** Let me help you. *slaps Erwin*

**Erwin:** Thanks, Levi, your bitchslapper is as mighty as usual.

**Reiner:** Oh, boy, bitchslapping is going on!

**Reiner:** Gotta join! *slaps Bertholdt*

**Bertholdt:** IIeeeeh! *shrieks with voice so high even bats are able to understand him and hides behind Annie*

**Annie:** You've scared him Reiner.

**Annie:** I told you to keep your voice down.

**Reiner:** I just got all excited!

**Connie:** And when did _you _guys came back?


	4. Chapter 4

**Reiner:** We certainly did not run into Armin in showers.

**Connie:** Now, when you mention this… *turns to Mikasa*

**Connie:** Where is Armout?

**Mikasa:** *looks down*

**Mikasa:** I told him…

**Mikasa:** … to be careful not to…

**Mikasa:** … drop that soap.

**Connie:** And what were you saying before, Reiner..?

**Reiner:** That we were taking shower when Armin showed up.

**Everyone:** …

**Everyone**: …*processing*

**Reiner:** *smiles*

**Everyone:** *gasps in sudden realization*

**Reiner: **I gave him mine so it's fine, Mikasa. No need to worry.

**Connie:** your _what _exactly?

**Reiner:** My soap, what do you think? His fell right into the drain so I gave him mine. Why are you all so freaked out by the way? Did something happen?

**Erwin: **They all thought you took advantage of cadet's Armout position.

**Reiner:** Who is Armout?

**Reiner**: And what do you mean by taking adva-…

**Reiner:** What the hell do ya'll even think about me?!

**Erwin**: I agree. Who would want to have a sexual intercourse with cadet Armout?

**Eren:** WELL, SINCE YOU ASK-

**Erwin:** It's like wanting to have sex with cadet Kirschtein.

**Jean:** Hey!

**Jean:** Well, at least it's not cadet Horse anymore.

**Erwin: **What did I say about the sterilization, cadet Kirschtein?

**Erwin:** It's not like you're ever gonna have any kids. Not with that face at least.

**Jean:** HEY!

**Levi:** Erwin, Nile is still working on his play while you are _horsing_ around with those shitty brats.

**Erwin:** *smirks* horsing you say..? *smirks deeper while looking at Jean*

**Levi:** *looks less annoyed* High five?

**Erwin:** High five!

**Erwin:** *realizes he doesn't have an arm*

**Levi:** *casually waits for the high five*

**Erwin:** Why, Levi..?

**Erwin:** What have I ever done to you?!

**Erwin:** What have I done to deserve this humiliation?!

**Levi:** *hands over a list* There you go.

**Erwin:** *takes the list and reads*

**Eren:** *walks to Levi* SENPAI- I MEAN, HEICHOU, I- *takes a deep breath*

**Eren:** I MADE YOU THIS! *hands a gas tank*

**Levi:** What is this, Jaeger?

**Eren:** I THOUGHT SINCE YOU LIKE THINGS CLEAN I FILLED THESE TANKS WITH DISINFECTANT, HEICHOU!

**Levi:** Disinfection you say…

**Levi:** So now I can fly around killing titans _and_ spreading the pureness? *looks closely*

**Eren:** *nods furiously*

**Levi:** …

**Levi:** It's like… all my dreams came true! *kisses the gas tank holding it close*

**Levi:** You did well, Jaeger. *marches away while still holding on his gas tank*

**Eren:** *but I thought*

**Eren:** *it would be me with whom he falls in love*

**Eren:** *not that gas tank*

**Eren:** *I made a horrible mistake*

**Eren:** *starts crying while watching Levi making out with the gas tank*

**Erwin:** *reads out loud* Misconduct no. 69: Greeting Lance Corporal Levi by jumping on him while yelling "Come and slam and welcome to the jam!"

**Erwin:** It wasn't even me it was Mike!

**Erwin: **… Levi..?

**Levi:** *too busy proposing to the gas tank* My one and only love. The pureness of my life, pureness my world, my greatest cleaning product…

**Erwin:** … *continue reading out loud* Misconduct no. 70: Dressing Lance Corporal Levi as a child to get a discount ticket to Titan-Wonder-Disney-land.

**Erwin:** Nobody would find out if you kept your mouth shut with that soother!

**Levi:** … free of all bacteria, free of all fungus…

**Erwin:** Are all these violations only against you, Levi?

**Levi**: *looks at Erwin*

**Levi:** Erwin, add misconduct no. 420: Disturbing Lance Corporal Levi's special day.

**Erwin:** Levi, please, pull yourself together, it's not the gas tank you want. It's the disinfectant inside you want.

**Levi:** Don't listen to him, gas tankie, I love you from the inside and the outside as well.

**Erwin:** Yeah, you continue lying to yourself like that.

**Levi:** It's the truth.

**Levi:** It is!

**Levi:** I…

**Levi: **… You are right. I actually only wanted to have fun, use it, fly around, have a good time, until I am satisfied and then again and again and again until it's all empty. Until I have wasted all the inside and then I would just throw it away.

**Levi:** As if it was just a trash.

**Levi:** Filthy trash.

**Levi:** I am a player.

**Levi:** I am a horrible person.

**Levi:** But is it wrong for me, the humanity's strongest soldier, to have some fun?

**Levi:** Say, Erwin, is it? *turns to Erwin*

**Erwin:** I am sorry, Levi, did you say anything? I was kind of busy not giving a single fuck about your little monologue over there.

**Reiner:** Damn it, commander, you certainly add the MAN into comMANder!

**Erwin:** Why, thank you, cadet Braun. What was your role again? Gay cadet?

**Erwin:** *looks through his papers* That's already an important role, let's see…

**Reiner:** I would actually really like Bertholdt to also play a Gay cadet.

**Reiner:** I mean we could be gay together.

**Reiner:** We are really good at being gay together.

**Reiner:** and alone.

**Reiner**: Seriously, we are pro-gays.

**Reiner:** Unlike some amateur gays over there. *points thumb at Jean with Marco*

**Jean:** Hey!

**Jean:** I am not gay!

**Marco**: …

**Marco:** But, Jean, you sucked my dick like nine times.

**Jean:** I said "No Homo" afterwards so it's wasn't a blowjob but a brojob!

**Jean:** A BROJOB!

**Marco:** … no, you didn't.

**Jean:** …

**Jean:** I can't believe I am gay.

**Ymir:** Yooo, welcome to the club, dude!

**Ymir: ***leans to Marco and whispers* Good job making your boyfriend gay, freckle-buddy.

**Marco:** *whispers back* Thank you, I would have never been able to do it without you. You are the best teacher.

**Ymir:** *leans to Jean a shoves something into his pocket* Yo, here is little something. You might find use to it. Trust me.

**Jean:** …? *takes the thing out of his pocket*

**Jean:** It's a… book.

**Jean:** "Freckles pick up lines by Ymir-sama" Did you seriously wrote it?

**Ymir:** You are welcome.

**Jean:** You've even signed it.

**Ymir:** You've earned it.

**Jean:** I feel so special right now.

**Erwin:** Glad to hear that, because you role is super boring and super plain so you won't be feeling special on the stage any time soon.

**Jean:** Seriously, commander, why-

**Ymir:** *stops Jean* Don't worry, I defend my fellow gays.

**Ymir:** Commander, I know Jean's role is perfect for him since he already got his horse mask on and it fits so well. But-

**Christa:** *pulls Ymir's sleeve* Ymir-

**Ymir:** Babe, don't interrupt me, please, this shit's important. *continues* So where did I end, oh, yeah, the mask is so cool and-

**Marco:** Ymir, he is actually-

**Ymir:** I am trying to be fucking nice here! I can actually be nice! I CAN! Stop trying to stop me! I've decided I am gonna be fucking nice to that shithead and I am so gonna do it even if it means to be a total jerk about it!

**Christa**: But Ymir, he is not wearing any mask.

**Ymir:** …

**Ymir:** …wha-

**Ymir:** This is seriously your face..?

**Jean:** Well, yeah..?

**Ymir:** By the the female titan's sexy ass tits!

**Annie:** *glares*

**Jean:** What, you like what you see?

**Ymir:** I actually feel so sorry for you.

**Jean:** … what…

**Marco:** … yeah…

**Marco:** I didn't even know she was capable of such emotion.

**Jean:** That wasn't what I was surprised about!

**Jean:** Do you all think I am stupid?!

**Marco:** Yes, but you are cute so it's ok.

**Jean:** Don't make it gay, Marco!

**Jean:** … Actually, let's make it a lil' gay, Marco. *smirks*

**Jean:** Commander.

**Erwin:** Yes, that's me, yes.

**Jean:** Wha- No, I am not going to ask.

**Erwin:** Just tell me what weighs your little horse heart?

**Jean:** Commander, I have a proposal.

**Everyone:** *gasps*

**Erwin:** I am… kind of flattered but really, you aren't my type. I like my men to be more stoic and dark haired and strong and muscular and clean and-

**Jean:** No, not this kind of proposal! I meant about the play!

**Erwin:** Oh…

**Erwin:** Let's hear what you got then.

**Jean:** I am a horse, right?

**Everyone:** *gasps*

**Jean:** WHAT NOW?!

**Marco:** I am so proud of you, Jean. It's like you accepted your true gay-horse self in about ten minutes. *hugs him*

**Jean:** I give up.

**Jean:** I am not going to fight it anniemore.

**Annie:** *glares*

**Jean**: I am a horse.

**Jean:** I don't belong here.

**Jean:** I should be roaming the wilds as a truly majestic creature I am.

**Jean:** Goodbye, my fellow soldiers, *looks at Armin*

**Jean:** … gays *looks at Ymir* and not-so-fellow titans.

**Jean:** I shall be free!

***In the far far away land an unnamed guy called Nanase Haruka sneezed which caused him to get scolded but yet another unnamed guy called Tachibana Makoto for swimming in a freezing pool…**

**…  
not that it really matters for this story.***

**Jean:** *jumps out the window while neighing violently*

**Everyone:** …

**Erwin:** *casually looks out the window*

**Erwin:** Oh, boy, there is a wild stallion running loose in the streets!

**Erwin:** *picks up a gun*

**Erwin:** In order to protect the civilians I shall snipe that bitch.

**Everyone:** COMMANDER, NO!

**Erwin:** Just joking.

**Erwin:** I don't need no gunsight.

**Erwin:** NOSCOPE, BITCH! *shoots*

**Marco:** Commander, PLEASE STOP!

**Levi:** Erwin, you've missed…


	5. Chapter 5

**Levi:** … all the vital organs.

**Erwin**: Damnit…

**Erwin:** I really need to practice more.

**Levi:** Let me show you how the true noscope skills look like. *takes Erwin's gun*

**Marco:** NOOOO!

**Marco:** JEAN I WILL SAVE YOU! *tries to take the gun out of Levi's hand*

**Levi:** Calm down, cadet, I am only joking.

**Levi:** That horse is laying on the ground, that wouldn't be even fun to noscope.

**Marco:** JEAN BISCUIT! *jumps out the window to get to Jean*

**Mikasa:** *raises her hand* A question, sir.

**Erwin:** Yes, cadet Ackerman?

**Mikasa:** Not that I would care the slightest about that boy you shot in the-

**Erwin:** the question, please.

**Mikasa:** I mean, the bullet in the-

**Erwin:** I don't have all day, cadet Ackerman.

**Mikasa:** …

**Mikasa:** *opens mouth*

**Erwin:** Damnit, Ackerman!

**Mikasa:** *what is his problem now?*

**Mikasa:** You had two roles, Jean being one of them. Now, you have only Reiner.

**Erwin:** …

**Erwin:** You are right…

**Erwin:** I shot my star…

**Erwin:** But you know, what they say…

**Erwin:** If you wish upon a falling star, it will come true.

**Erwin:** *leans out the window* MOVE YOUR RAINBOW ASS OVER HERE, KIRSCHTEIN RIGHT NOW! AND STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH, NOBODY EVER DIED OF BEING SHOT IN THE-

**Marco:** SIR, he needs a doctor.

**Erwin:** What? But it's only-

**Levi:** You don't need him, Erwin, just pick someone else. There are enough good-for-nothings here to choose from.

**Everyone:** *opens mouths*

**Levi:** *glares*

**Everyone:** *shuts mouths*

**Erwin:** Yes, Levi, thank you.

**Erwin:** Ok, cadet Bodt!

**Reiner:** Sir, Marco is taking Jean to hospital so the doctor could treat his-

**Erwin:** Cadet Braun, you are the only one I can count on in this room filled with idiots and Levi.

**Erwin:** … Well, to say that room is filled with Levi is rather amusing, considering his height and-

**Levi:** *glares*

**Erwin:** … where was I… oh, yes, you take cadet Fubar and go with cadet Bodt and take him back here as soon as cadet Kirschtein gets patched up his-

**Reiner:** Roger that, sir!

**Reiner:** Shall we go, Bertholdt?

**Reiner:** … Bertholdt..?

**Bertholdt:** … ugh… *sweats furiously, as he was on his arms and legs and Annie was sitting on his back*

**Annie:** *glares*

**Bertholdt:** *weeps* … help…

**Reiner:** … Annie, what are you doing to my poor bae?

**Annie:** There weren't enough chairs and I got tired of standing.

**Reiner:** So you made a chair out of my bae?

**Annie:** Well you didn't notice up until now.

**Connie:** *smirks* I guess you could say… he got… ANNIEHILATED!

**Everyone**: *silence*

**Connie:** …?

**Connie:** *gets hit by pretty much everyone in the room*

**Erwin:** No bad puns allowed on my watch, cadet Springer.

**Connie:** … I made a shitty pun and got… PUNched!

**Everyone:** …

**Erwin:** Cadet Springer, move to the corner of great shame, now. You are not allowed to speak for the rest of eternity.

**Reiner:** *helps Bertholdt stand up*

**Bertholdt:** T-thank you, let's go.

**Reiner:** You first, bae, I love watching you from behind.

**Bertholdt:** *gets flustered* R-reiner! I told you not to say things like that in public!

**Reiner:** What public? We are basically in a room filled with gay sausages.

**Reiner:** Plus, I love it when you are all embarrassed and covered in sweat and-

**Bertholdt:** STOP! I can't take this anymore! I am leaving you!

**Reiner:** Wait, NO! Don't leave me, bae, I can change!

**Reiner:** …into that dress you liked so much last night *suggestive eyebrow raise*

**Bertholdt:** *turns around and runs away*

**Reiner:** W-wait, I am sorry! *runs after him*

**Erwin:** Ok, everyone, we need to move our asses here.

**Erwin:** And by moving our asses I mean…*puts on Levi's swag-glasses*

**Erwin:** …THIS! *starts a wild dance off on the table*

**Levi:** Erwin.

**Erwin:** NOT NOW LEVI I AM IN THE ZONE!

**Levi:** Erwin.

**Eren:** COMMANDER YOU ARE SO COOL I CAN'T EVEN-! CAN I PLEASE JOIN?!

**Erwin:** JUST MOVE IT ALREADY, JAEGER!

**Connie:** You could say… HE GOT THEM MOVES LIKE JAGGER!

**Erwin:** *stops dancing*

**Eren:** *is still dancing in the background*

**Erwin:** Cadet Springer… *walks towards Connie*

**Connie:** *gulps*

**Erwin:** That was…

**Erwin:** *towers over poor Connie*

**Connie:** *voice shaking* …I-I am sorry, s-sir…

**Erwin:** … kind of funny, dude, you may speak from now on. *pets Connie's head gently with a big smile*

**Levi:** Erwin, listen to me you shitty eyebrows.

**Mike:** Excuse me, I'd fuck his eyebrows.

**Levi:** You can't fuck eyebrows.

**Mike:** Not with that attitude.

**Erwin:** PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO FUCK MY EYEBROWS.

**Eren:** *air humping*

**Erwin:** * steps away from him and glares at him for a second, but Eren was too occupied with his moves to notice*

**Erwin:** And what the hell, Mike, when did you even get here?

**Levi:** He got here while you were 'in the zone'. I was trying to tell you, but no, you wouldn't listen.

**Erwin:** So you saw my moves?

**Levi:** You call that atrocity on table 'moves' ?

**Mike:** I did.

**Erwin:** And what do you say?

**Mike:** Why.

**Erwin:** Pfft, I knew you couldn't recognize a true talent even if it was dancing right under your nose.

**Mike:** I came here to say goodbye.

**Erwin:** Where are you going?

**Mike:** I am leaving the scouting legion.

**Erwin:** WHAT?!

**Mike:** … for Military police.

**Erwin:** WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

**Mike:** Nile offered me the leading role in his play. You didn't even care.

**Erwin:** I do care, Mike! I just thought you hated acting!

**Mike:** Actually, it was always my dream. Get the main role, get them money, get them chicks. You know, fighting titans is all fun, until the time comes. The time when you need to grow the fuck up and hit the bars, throw them moneys, make it rain, do meth and pick up hot chicks.

**Connie:** *looks up to Mike with dreamy eyes* So this is how being an adult looks like…

**Mikasa:** MAKE IT RAIN! *throws coins at Eren as he was pole dancing*

**Erwin:** No, it's a goddamn opposite of being an adult! Mike, stop being a bad influence on children!

**Erwin:** And where did that pole even come from and why is it on my table?!

**Erwin:** *mumbles* He does have them moves like Jagger tho.

**Christa:** Uh, me and Ymir found it in your closet, commander, and Ymir said it would be a great idea to bring it together with this, but I didn't know you were in the Military Police, commander.

**Ymir:** *trying to hold a hysterical laughter*

**Erwin:** Why would I be in that dick squad?

**Christa:** Well, you had quite a collection of handcuffs there and-

**Erwin:** OK what a great idea indeed, would you happen to be so kind and NOT OPEN MY CLOSET EVER AGAIN, my dear cadet Renz?

**Ymir:** *laughing in the background*

**Mike:** Me a bad influence? You and Levi are always in a room full of 15 years old and you are like 50, how creepy is that?

**Erwin:** YOU ARE LIKE 50 YOURSELF.

**Mike:** Not to mention Levi always gets to be with them in the official art. Ew.

**Levi:** I am one of the main characters, I can't help it.

**Annie:** What about Armin?

**Erwin:** Who the hell cares about cadet Armout?

**Levi:** Exactly.

**Erwin:** Anyway, how could you, Mike? Did you forget what Nile has done to you? To me? To us? To the Scouting Legion?

**Eren:** *finally stops dancing* What did… he do..?

*the atmosphere becomes really tense as the Commander of the Recon Corps stands in complete silence, teeth gritted, fists and butt cheeks clenched. Yeah. All of that could be seen. And it was quite the view.*

**Mike**: *looks down to his feet*

**Mike**: … Yeah…

**Eren:** THIS TENSION IS GOING TO KILL ME QUICKER THAN THE TITANS.

*…then the commander finally gathered the balls to speak up.*

**Erwin:** He called…

**Erwin:** … our symbol. Symbol of our hope, fight and dreams – the wings of freedom…

**Erwin:** …

**Erwin:** … Crispy hot wings.

* * *

**A/N:**  
Sorry, I personally hate A/Ns, but I felt like this fanfic was literally shitty enough to let it slide this once.  
First of all, OH MY GOD. I am getting such an awesome feedback on this I can't even put it in words how happy I am that someone actually enjoys this fully retarded fanfic.

Thank You (written with a capital letter, because You deserve one, my precious baby). I mean it.

Secondly, I am sorry for not releasing new chaps more often. I have to be in a… certain… mood to write this and it was really hard for me to get there during the last few months and I really don't want to disappoint, so… I'll rather take my time and make it count.

Thirdly, I kind of really got into Tokyo Ghoul and I _may_ be toying with a thought of starting similar series.

Fouthly (wtf the fuck is that even a word), don't do kids, drugs.*

Fifthly (now that is just ridiculous), **recipe **for a tasty **ham and cheese meal** you can prepare for yourself in _**only a few minutes!**_

**Ingredients:**  
1) Ham  
2) Cheese

**Instructions:**  
Take two slices of ham, but on cheese and cover it with another two slices of ham.

You can use whatever spices you like.

Put it on a frying pan and fry for a few minutes each side.

**Enjoy your meal!**

Lastly, thank You again. To know that I actually made somebody's day better by writing this and laughing at my own jokes in the process (how fucking sad is that?), is literally the best feeling in the world. Seriously.

(Sentences tagged by "*" has been approved by Mike Zakarius. )

* * *

**BONUS:**

Since this fanfic is all about gays I'll add a fun fact about Czech language regarding calling somebody gay:

In Czech, if we want to call a dude gay, we say "On je teplej"(informal) – which can be directly translated as "He is hot." (or "warm" to be more accurate, but "hot" as well, depends on the context)

I am not even joking. I was really confused by this for quite a time. Have fun knowing that.


End file.
